Scared....

I get a horoscope in my email inbox every morning; this was the one for today......

"A dramatic shift in your emotional landscape pushes you to face your basic fear of the future. Your path in life may be changing and you need to think about the best timing to make your dreams come true. Don't be paralyzed by your apprehension of the unknown. Muster up whatever courage you can so you can push through your own resistance."

How appropriate is that? Yes, I'm scared. For the last few weeks, this has been the basic message I get every morning: Don't be scared. How can I not be?

The Journey Begins.....

19 March 2005

A little history..... I moved to Zambia in 2003, assuming it would be for the rest of my life. It was my calling; my heart drew me there. Everything collected over a long life, spent mostly in the US, had been sold to fund the venture.

So, there I was, minding my own business, loving what I was doing as a pretty busy graphic designer and photographer, celebrating the wonders of Zambia in everything I produced, and, whammo, I got arrested. Someone decided he/she didn't want me there. It's a country where just a little bit of money will buy anything, including someone's life.

As a 62 year old, living a quiet, conservative life (with a hippy-dippy liberal mind), being thrown into three third world prisons over the course of a week was mind-blowing and terrifying! The description of that experience will follow at some point when I can deal with it. At the end of the ordeal, after the judge hearing my case demanded a payoff to give me a suspended sentence, and having had no food, water, or ablutions, I was put on a plane in the same sun dress and sandals I'd been wearing for a week and sent to JFK. In February. Snow up to my knees.

Dear, sweet friends in Zambia managed to pack up a few things from my house there for shipment and organised getting my beloved dogs sent back to me. These two things, plus paying a lawyer (and the judge) in Zambia, and having to buy an airline ticket have taken every penny I'd hope to live on for whatever years I have left.

Here I am with nothing, trying to rebuild a life, and having to freeload on friends for a place to stay with my dogs. Slowly things are falling into place. Over the last 6 weeks, with the help of friends and family, I've managed to get a cell phone and a car, giving me a bit of freedom for the next steps. The big picture is so overwhelming that I can only deal with a step at a time. Once a few things are in place, and I can try to make some money with some freelance work here in the northeast, I'll hit the road to try to find a place somewhere in this country (the U.S.) to settle, somewhere warm. How crazy is it for a 62 year old woman with two dogs, no health insurance, no money, and no firm destination to take off in an old car across the country into the unknown?

So, now the journey begins......